utterly, undeniably, hopelessly
by earlgreymilktea
Summary: The first time Kuroo realized he was utterly, undeniably, hopelessly in love with his best friend, he walked into a wall. [for kurokenmonth prompt: firsts]


**for kurokenmonth: prompt: firsts**

* * *

The first time Kuroo realized he was utterly, undeniably, hopelessly in love with his best friend, he walked into a wall.

"Are you... okay?" Kenma asked from behind him, sounding just the slightest bit concerned. His eyes were still trained on his phone though, so Kuroo breathed a sigh of relief that the younger boy wouldn't see his pink-tinted face.

"Gee, when did they build a wall there!" he exclaimed as normally as he could. "Rude."

He heard a soft snort from Kenma, and then the pinging on whatever latest game he's playing resumes. They continued walking down the hallway towards the gym, but Kuroo found his eyes trailing to the second year beside him.

All of a sudden, that poorly-dyed blond hair had his fingers itching to run through it; that too-pale skin from gaming too much at night and hiding out in the summer looked soft and enticing; those familiar dexterous hands gripping the impressively well-taken-care-of phone filled him with the urge to reach out and envelop them with his own larger hands. It's still the same Kenma that he's always known, the Kenma that refused to get up in the morning like a lazy cat, the Kenma that lit up almost imperceptibly when presented with a new video game or a plate of apple pie, the Kenma that grumbled and moaned but followed him to extra volleyball practice on the weekends nonetheless. He's still the same boy he's been friends with since they were scrubby kids chasing each other in the park, and it's not like Kuroo is suddenly hit with the epiphany that he wanted to-uh, do whatever couples do together-with Kenma, but somehow Kuroo couldn't help being more _aware_ of his best friend.

It only got worse from there.

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

Kuroo found himself thinking about his best friend more often than he should.

Twirling his pencil during class, he'd nod along when the teacher glanced over at him, but really his mind was downstairs in a second-year classroom. He would start wondering (ironically) if Kenma was paying attention to his teacher, or if he was doodling cats in his notebook again. He would be thinking about what they should do after practice that day, whether they should go for some dessert at that new cafe or just chill at one of their houses before the teacher was suddenly standing right in front of his desk, frowning down at him disapprovingly.

When the lunch bell went off, the first thing on Kuroo's mind wasn't if the rooftop was free or even the debate of whether he should run down to the cafeteria to buy the last fillet sandwich before it sold out, but rather it was _did Kenma bring enough lunch today_ and _is he playing his game instead of eating it again._

In the clubroom, Kuroo would find his eyes drawn to the smaller boy, only to look away quickly at the slightest glimpse of that pale skin under his sweatshirt. It was dumb and strange because they'd literally seen each other naked before but for some reason Kuroo's mind and body had now decided that seeing Kenma in anything less than a t-shirt and shorts would be a red alert.

Kuroo hated himself sometimes.

On the court, Kuroo tried his best to be normal, for the sake of the team and himself. It worked most of the time, considering volleyball was one of the only things in his life he devoted his entire heart to-the other being a socially anxious fake-blond childhood friend. He couldn't deny it; he did spend a lot of his time worrying about Kenma and dragging Kenma around. But that's what friends did. Their relationship had been like that since they were kids.

Unfortunately, Kuroo's face took a couple too many volleyballs straight on after that sudden revelation he had the other day. Even Lev had asked him if he was feeling sick. Kuroo waved it off, making up something about exams coming up, but not before he caught the golden gaze of Kenma across the court. The setter didn't say anything, though, so Kuroo assumed he was safe for a little longer.

At night, Kuroo's mind refused to shut down until he had worked through every memory of his best friend throughout the day. Which, considering the amount of time Kuroo spends around Kenma and vice versa, was a _lot_. Every glance away from the phone, every minute of paying more attention to the phone than real people, every miniscule smile at gaining a new high score-they were all snapshots in Kuroo's head. A gallery dedicated to his best friend. Kuroo went to sleep with a smile of his own, dreaming about volleyball, cats, and most of all, being right next to the second year setter, where he belongs. He woke up with heavy bags under his eyes and a growing seed of panic in his chest.

After a week of being aware that Kenma was on his mind 24/7 (and realizing with not-so-silent horror that this had probably been going on for longer than just a week), Kuroo decided that he couldn't deal with this right now.

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

The second time Kuroo realized he really was in deep, sappy, understanding-the-songs-on-the-radio love with his best friend, he locked himself in the bathroom.

Kenma had stayed the night, as per usual seeing it was a Friday night and they usually headed to practice together Saturday morning. Kuroo had spent about another week in denial, carrying on as he always had. He went to class, forced thoughts of Kenma out of his head, went to practice, caught himself before he started going, _that frustrated frown when he's serving to Lev is kinda cute_. He continued hanging out with Kenma after school, continued allowing the smaller boy to use his stomach as a pillow when he's playing his PSP while he tried really hard to finish his book without turning into a firetruck.

He thought he'd finally gotten rid of that weird notion he had the other day, that he was freaking _in love with Kenma,_ pfft, ridiculous-only, this morning, after a night of talking about volleyball and the latest cat video/overnight internet sensation, he woke up to a defenseless, sleeping Kenma curled up against him like a kitten. Needless to say, his half-asleep self with a nonexistent guard immediately fell into the sappiest, romantic bullshit ever spewed on earth.

 _Gods, he's beautiful,_ he'd thought, and then he sat upright, horrified. The pink floaty feeling was back. And it was stronger than before.

"Kuro?"

Kenma was up, knocking on the door. Kuroo sucked in a breath. He glanced up at his reflection in the mirror. His mess of black hair was half-covering his face, which was good because he was sure it was still slightly pink. Gathering himself, he opened the door.

"G'morning, sunshine," he sang, waltzing past the second year as quickly as he dared.

He didn't miss the way golden eyes followed him. Kuroo's dumbass behaviour with Bokuto might have painted a terrible picture of him, but Kuroo's not stupid. He knew Kenma more than anybody, and he knew that Kenma was nothing if not observant. The younger boy probably already had an idea something was up. He hadn't said anything to Kuroo yet though, which could either be a blessing or a curse, but Kuroo was glad for now. Especially since he had to sort through his own mess of a heart before working on what to do with Kenma's. If he wanted to do anything.

This was why Kuroo had never wanted to join in on the whole shoujo romance thing Yaku and Yamamoto was going on about. It took too much effort and thinking and second guessing and _feeling_.

Unfortunately, it looked like fate had a different plan for him, because here he was, sitting on his own bed with his best friend in the bathroom next door, and all he's thinking was how nice it would be if he could just lie back down with Kenma in his arms, nothing to bother them for a whole day.

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

The third time Kuroo realized he was completely, helplessly, so very in love with his best friend, he decided he'd do something about it.

After his second revelation, he'd spent his time figuring things out on his own. He understood that all he did for Kenma was more than just an older brother looking out for the people he cared about. Because it was obvious that he loved Kenma. Kenma loved him too, in that aspect. But it wasn't the same as being _in love_.

And, Kuroo was starting to understand, he was _in love_ with Kenma. Which changed things. A lot.

So he spent some more time observing Kenma back. The younger boy clearly felt Kuroo's distance and furious thinking. But, being as lazy and non-confrontational as Kenma could be, he still continued his policy of ignoring things until it became too big to ignore. Kuroo practiced volleyball, spiking all of his best friend's tosses, teased the first years on that fresh-faced team from the countryside, messed about with Bokuto. He bid his time, but in the end, he knew what he wanted.

He wanted Kenma to like him back.

But how, was the question. He wasn't even sure if Kenma _could_ like him back that way. It wasn't just a matter of sexual orientation or whatever the heck, it was more like-he'd spent all these years with the kid and he'd never seen Kenma feel anything stronger than inwardly squeeing when he took him to Akihabara for a whole weekend. He knew that Kenma wouldn't hate him for confessing, but he was doubtful as to whether the impact of such a gesture would amount to-well, anything other than a shrug.

And then, in entered that shrimpy kid from Karasuno.

For the first time since he could remember, Kenma's eyes lit up with fire of his own accord, for something other than video games _._ It was an amazing feat, being able to rouse Kenma up so much he was looking forward to a _volleyball match_. Kuroo knew, because he'd tried. For the first time in his life, Kuroo was jealous.

Unconsciously, he had distanced himself again. He wasn't even sure what he was trying to do, and probably would have done something regrettable if Kenma hadn't finally had enough and cornered him in the gym after everyone had left.

"Kuro."

He put the last volleyball into the trolley before turning around. The second year was standing a few feet behind him, the light from the gymnasium ceiling lighting up his face in all his glory. Kuroo must have been super tired or something, because for a moment there he seriously had the thought that Kenma was like an angel of volleyball here to bless him.

"Kenma."

Kenma sighed at his innocent tone. His golden eyes flicked away for a second, but that was a familiar gesture, and Kuroo knew it meant he had something important to say. He waited, albeit a bit nervously.

"If you have something to say to me, just say it."

Kuroo's lips twitched, because of course Kenma wouldn't waste time beating around the bush. It was an endearing trait of his, as terrifying as it was now. Kuroo wasn't ready, he didn't know if he would ever be ready, but he knew he couldn't wait forever.

"What if what I have to say would ruin what we have between us?" he said, stalling for time.

Kenma looked at him. "It won't," he replied simply.

Kuroo laughed. He ran a hand through his messy mane. He looked back at Kenma, meeting his expectant gaze. He took a quick breath. He dived.

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

"I like you."

"I know."

"I mean, I _like you_ like you."

"I know."

"...You know?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well, then. We good?"

"Yes."

"... Good."

"Mm. Let's go home."

"Right."

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

The first time Kuroo confessed to his best friend, he didn't think anything much had changed.

And he was fine with that, honest. Kenma was the type to take things slow, and Kuroo knew this. He was willing to wait.

A couple days went by with them being the same as they ever were. Walking to school together, spending time alone together, leaning against each other and falling asleep on each other. Kuroo continued reminding Kenma to eat his lunch, to wake up in time for morning practice, to buy him his special apple pie. Kenma continued to toss to him, to listen to his recount of whatever hilarious thing Bokuto had told him, to follow him wherever he wanted to go. But both of them were aware of the things that went unsaid between them, of the things that _were_ said, and the implications those words held.

When Kuroo first decided to spill about his feelings, he didn't expect anything to happen right away. He wasn't even aware that his words and feelings had any effect on Kenma at all.

(But they did. Oh, they did.)

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

The first time Kuroo realized that his best friend was also truly, irrevocably, doubtlessly in love with him, he grinned so wide, his cheekbones started to hurt.

They were lying next to each other on Kenma's bed, breathing steady and slow, ready to fall asleep. The smaller boy was curled up next to Kuroo, familiar and warm. Kuroo's mind was half-dreaming about pulling his best friend closer, but his body was now trained to ignore his head's delusional fantasies. He nearly thought it was a part of his fantasies when Kenma suddenly whispered into the dark. Then he realized that even his dumb imagination couldn't come up with something so genuine, so beautiful, so perfect-

" _I'm in love with you, too."_

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

The first time Kuroo fell in love, he was lucky enough to be loved back.


End file.
